Ultimatums, Part 3

Dishing out an ultimatum gives the ultimatum-disher all the power, as I pointed out in the last post. Those who dish out ultimatums typically have nailed something that means a great deal to the person who's on the powerless end of the ultimatum, so that there would be great loss if the person on the receiving end doesn't respond to the ultimatum.  It could be the threat of actual loss of something that the person already has.  Or it could be loss of something potentially precious that the person has hoped to gain.

Let me give a couple of examples.

Terry (not his real name) had been messing around. In his teenage years he was experimenting with drugs and sleeping around with any girl who would have him, which, as it happened, was quite a few. He contracted a sexually transmitted disease, and since he was under age, his father found out about it. Medicine did its work, but as Terry's father told him, "You contract a sexually transmitted disease once, you're careless.  Get it again, you're just stupid."  To add insult to injury, Terry took his national school exams in the appointed year, and flunked. All doors of opportunity were now closed to him unless he passed the exams on his retake.

Terry's father, who had his own issues which had no doubt contributed to Terry's approach to life, felt he had run out of tools in his kit for getting Terry to come around.  "If you don't pass your exams the next time," he told Terry sternly, "and if you continue the lifestyle you've been pursuing, I am going to ask you to move out of our home." It was not just a tough-love issue, there were other children in the home and they didn't need to be affected by Terry's choices.

A tough ultimatum? You bet. Losing access to the home where things are comfortable and all your basic needs are provided, is a huge threat. Terry's father had all the power and Terry stood to lose everything.

What happened?  Terry passed his exams, but didn't change his lifestyle.  His father realized that he wasn't willing to carry through with his "throw you out of the house" ultimatum. He sent Terry off to a boarding school, hoping a change would straighten Terry up.

Terry later disowned his father and hasn't spoken to him in many years.

Ultimatums often result in completely broken family relationships. This need not be so. I am quite certain that, except on very rare occasion, ultimatums dished out within families are unnecessary and unproductive.

Having said that, here is another perspective:

Selina (again, names changed) had been dating Isaac for three months. Isaac's wife had left and divorced him after years of marriage, and now, nine months later and in another relationship, he was beset with inner questions as to whether he was free to remarry.  After all, he believed in the sacredness of wedding vows, and in the Biblical statements about not being free to remarry unless adultery was involved. Neither Isaac nor his former wife had moved on to other partners, to his knowledge.

Isaac shared his reservations and thoughts with Selina. She was shocked, dismayed, and even angry. She didn't waste much time before dishing out her ultimatum. "I'm of the opinion that you are free to move on," she said. "But if you're not, you have no business dating me, treating my own feelings and hopes lightly. You need to figure this out pretty quickly, because I'm not sticking around just to have my heart hurt worse later on."

The power in this relationship had been shared between Isaac and Selina, and yet the greater balance of power was now in Selina's hands, as she clearly was going to call a permanent time-out if Isaac didn't figure his perspective out shortly. They both stood to lose a potential relationship, and she preferred to bear that loss earlier than later. To his credit, Isaac set to the hard work of coming to a conclusion about his freedom to move on. And the happy ending is that he and Selina have been happily married for a number of years.

Was an ultimatum the right thing in this situation? Probably. A person has a right to some level of protection for being mistreated, even if that mistreatment is unintentional. A person with no boundaries dishes out no ultimatums, and suffers much for it.

(to be continued)