Ultimatums, Part 4

My friend Bjorn (not his real name) had a mini-stroke a few weeks ago. Having recently retired, he had been looking forward to some years ahead to enjoy slowing down and simply taking time. He'd spent years and years in the "cycle of professorial scramble," teaching, grading, and mentoring the never-ending stream of precious young adults who each were busy with those tasks of young adulthood: finding their identity, solidifying their beliefs, and developing intimate relationships. Suddenly those stress-free years ahead to spend with friends and family are not quite so clearly outlined. He spoke with me about the experience, about the confusion and fear as he lost control of his arm, and about the frustration as his thinking became fuzzy.

The doctor had given him an ultimatum, he reported. "Change your lifestyle, this very moment. Get regular exercise, get enough sleep, eat right." Bjorn acknowledged that it was a shock to his system. He'd already started the new behaviors when we spoke, just a few days after the precipitating event.

I found myself wondering if he'd stick with it, not because I questioned Bjorn's dedication to the task, but because I know my own weakness. Is it true that there's something about your body suddenly letting you down that gives a strong enough motivation to change and to stick with it? Isn't it a shame when the ultimatum comes late, when you could have done something earlier just by using your brain, your good sense, your will power? Is it not a gift when you actually have a choice to make the change, as compared to dropping dead in your tracks from a heart attack?

I really thought that I was going to get to the end of this set of posts and be able to articulate a profound conclusion about ultimatums being good, or bad, or useful only X circumstances. At this point I'm concluding that it's not quite that simple ... at least not in my world.

Would it not be wonderful if it didn't take ultimatums to make us change our behaviors? After all, ultimatums are typically an approach to behavior change that tend to be sudden, coercive and ugly.

Or is that exactly true? Might there exist "soft ultimatums" that are actually helpful?

In any case, I have a few propositions that I might try out here with the caveat that these deserve to be mulled and accepted or discarded as they have merit. You be the judge.

• It is preferable to invite behavior change in ways that do not require an ultimatum.
• If I consider dishing out an ultimatum, I need to consider carefully my motives. If I gain absolute power over another human being through an ultimatum, that would be one clue that it may not be the right thing to do.
• If handing out an ultimatum, it is wise to consider the long-term collateral impact on not only the giver and the receiver, but also on related bystanders. Is that broader impact really worth it?
• What if the ultimatum doesn't work? Am I willing to live with the alternative? Can I drop it, or will my pride or insistence on "being right" prevent that? Because of my human weakness, if I know myself to tend toward harshness or pride, I should at all costs avoid giving ultimatums, seeking some other method of affecting the other person's behavior.
• When receiving an ultimatum from someone else, I need to be aware of my own propensity to rebel. At such a time it would be wise to consider if the demand for behavior change has merit. If so, I might need to let my pride go for the sake of the merit to be gained by acquiescing to the demand. That puts me back in control of myself, because I am deliberately choosing, not caving in.
• Ultimatums almost always have a chilling effect on relationships, and therefore should be used sparingly. At very least, we should consider the collateral damage, wait, consider potential results and options, consult, wait, and consider again before giving out an ultimatum.

Finally, I think these observations are not the conclusion, although this series ends with this post. Despite the fact that I tend toward a negative view of ultimatums based on my own life experiences, one can't deny that the biblical account shows God giving out ultimatums (and "changing His mind" on some of them). So there must be more to know about the usefulness of giving an ultimatum.  I would be interested in the thoughts of my esteemed readers.

Thank you for coming along on this journey.