Change Your Mind, Part 1

I've been thinking about change--specifically people's ability to change their minds about other people.

I remember very clearly when I first set out to change someone's mind about me. I was in college, and every time I stopped by the music department desk to check out a practice room key, the girl who worked desk looked at me with a significant measure of grumpiness and dislike. At least, that was how I perceived her expression.

"I'm going to change her opinion of me and her attitude." It was a conscious thought. Every time I came to the desk I was cheerful and friendly, asking about her day or whatever I could think of that might create an affiliation between us. I was gratified that it didn't take too long. She and I were soon easygoing acquaintances.

I didn't often have the occasion to make an effort to change people's minds about me in those years. I was a good student, a docile citizen, and a person who didn't have any status or power over others. At most, I might have been a threat to a schoolmate if they saw me as being in competition with them for something, or if they happened to wish for a personal quality that I displayed.

I do remember one incident, for example, when I was working at a summer camp and was taking on the function of assistant girls' director. One of my longtime friends voiced the opinion that I was enjoying my leadership role a bit too much, and perhaps too proud of it, as I recall. I don't remember the specifics anymore, but I do remember that I was much pained over the criticism at the time. I wanted people to like me, so I agonized: was there some way I should change to put her more at ease? After some consideration, I recall deciding that I could probably be a bit more gentle in my approach, but that I still had to be myself and there wasn't a lot I could or should try to change. I doubt she changed her opinion of me, and for most of the time I quit worrying about it.

The shoe has been on the other foot. I have also been in a position in which I was faced with either changing or not changing my mind about someone else. I once had a boss with whom I got along well. As time wore on, though, some of his personal characteristics got on my nerves. He was late to everything. He procrastinated until the very last second. He leaned on me to do a lot of what kept the endeavor running smoothly, but didn't give me either the credit or the thanks, publicly or privately. And I never set the boundaries that would allow him to crash and burn where I usually came along and "swept up," so I deserved the situation. I got angry and resentful, and mentally ground my teeth every time he was around me. I'm certain that he saw me as sour and moody during those years.

And then, as time passed, so did my mind change. It wasn't worth the energy I put into disliking him. I don't know if it was a conscious decision, but I started to give him credit for his bits of genius in leadership. I began watching for what I could learn from him. He thought about things differently than I did, and there were good qualities there that I needed to emulate. I started to enjoy his humor again. I didn't let it bother me anymore when my strengths were used to complement his. When I moved on, we parted as friends, and I think I will always admire him and what I learned from working with him.

[to be continued]