Change Your Mind, Part 3

The first time I recall desperately wanting to change someone's mind about me, and being helpless to do so, was about a dozen years ago. I had a student, my advisee, who was nearing graduation. I had been working on her schedule, and had found some problems with it that made it look like she might not have everything finished by the date at which she wanted to graduate.

I met Steffie (a pseudonym) on the sidewalk going to class, and told her about the situation. "Let's get together tomorrow during my office hours," I said. "It doesn't look like you'll be ready to march, but let me show you the checksheet and let's see what options you might have." She dropped by and we worked things over; to make a long story short, it worked out and she was able to plan ahead for graduation.

It was at least one school term later that Steffie dropped the bomb on me, with her mother accompanying her in my office: she'd been horribly offended that I brought up the situation on the way to class, of all things, and had been devastated. She was angry at me. She was not going to forgive me. I was a horrible, unprofessional, uncaring and rude person.

What???!!!

I tried to work through it with daughter and mother, but I could see that I was making little headway. Steffie was mortally wounded although she would be civil about it. She just wanted to graduate and be rid of me as her professor.

Based on my past experiences, I asked specifically if I could be Steffie's student teaching supervisor. "I think she'll do okay," I told the department chair. "At least I can try to rebuild a good relationship there by affirming her talent for this profession."

The department chair granted my request, although with some trepidation for me, I think. Steffie taught. I supervised. She did fine. I pointed out her strong points and gave gentle suggestions where they were appropriate. She kept me at arm's length and never once cracked the door open for any relationship-building. I never was able win that one.

If I thought that my lost campaign with Steffie was emotionally difficult, all I had to do was to wait for my tour through administration, where a leader is never going to gain the approval or even the respect of all. Some deem their leaders as suspect just by virtue of their title (I kid you not; the guy downstairs says that to me in just so many words). While my colleagues tend to be a superb bunch of people who have genuine personal regard for other human beings regardless of their titles, there are a few who would paint their leaders with a malevolent brush. And the paint has dried and hardened until it cracks.

But that comes with the territory, so we need not be shocked.

Having said those things, let me address a change of mind about someone from a different angle. Refusing to change your mind about someone can be an important survival strategy. If you are a naturally naive or trusting individual, or a person of unending and open-hearted goodwill, you may find yourself being deeply hurt by the actions of another person, and yet easily forgiving them. If easy forgiveness and goodwill are your natural responses, you are likely to experience the next hurt the offender is going to dish out. And the next one after that.

It seems to me that the saying, "Once burned, twice shy," is a helpful one. A friend of mine actually once wrote herself a note in big black Sharpie to tuck in a drawer where she'd see it regularly: "DO NOT TRUST So-and-so." It was a helpful reminder to not gentle her perceptions and let down her guard. A charmingly executed stab in the back is still a stab in the back!

So. How do you know when to change your mind, and when not to? And how do you know when to make an effort to change someone else's mind, and when not to?

[to be continued]