We do this all the time, in so many ways, don't we?: It's about more than being liked; it's about checking with others on our value in this world. We devise all kinds of ways to find out the answer, some subtle, some overt, some dignified and some piteous.
If the answer is "No," or--worse yet--if there is no answer at all, we fret. We worry. We feel fearful. We get angry. We employ distancing behaviors so we don't have to feel devalued at close range. Maybe if we get away from it, it won't follow us around.
I've thought about this often--the "Do you value me?" question--, and am not done thinking yet. It has occurred to me that practically everything we do, besides tending our basic needs for food and shelter and sustenance, can be attributed to this question: How can I confirm my meaningfulness in this universe?
Because I was brought up with basic philosophies and beliefs that established my sense inherent value, I navigate my own life with a semblance of balance. A semblance. I wonder how people survive who are told all through their formative years that they are worthless. It must be an agony, a death-while-walking-around.
The problem is that we also have a need for our inherent value to be recognized by others. Do you like me? Do you care about me? Do you value me enough to show it in these ways, which confirm my value in your sight? Can I get affirmation? How much difficulty or inconvenience will you go through and still stick around, and thus confirm my value?
"Do you like me? Check 'Yes' or 'No.'" Children pass the notes asking it outright. The rest of us? We still want to know.
Much truth here, Ginger. I see Facebook as an extension of that need for affirmation (and other social media too, though as someone who is a bit--ahem--older, I haven't gotten into other forms).
ReplyDeleteOn Facebook, we measure that affirmation by the number of comments, or likes.
Maybe we do that too in blogging--how many people comment. Do they like what I wrote?
And don't even get me started on how we see the like/don't like dichotomy displayed in public discourse--whether conversation, interviews, various reality tv shows...
I recently assessed a patient and when I was done she said, "You don't like me, do you?" I was taken back by her tone and phrasing, but she was one of those unfortunate people who has never known acceptance due to mental illness. She made any insecurities I might have about myself insignificant and also made me wonder how she perceived my communication with her.
ReplyDeleteValidation is, I think, the greatest human need besides love. We all want to know that we matter, are heard, and that others perceive us positively. It makes people behave in ways they'd otherwise abhor to witness. It's why classism exists. Those who "have more" are "worth more" and are deferred to on a regular basis. It's so sad really, but seems to be a good bit about what being human encompasses.
ReplyDeleteInteresting that you shared this as I am in Performance Evaluation season and working to write and share evaluations for the 30 clerks of court that I supervise throughout the state. It is so important to me to focus on each person as I write and try to convey the message that "Yes, I do like you and yes, you do a very hard job with competence, creativity and flair--thank you" It's a message that we all need to hear, don't you think?
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