What We Worked So Hard to Accomplish

[Photos from online image searches]

An private school system leader with whom I collaborate asked if we could meet today. She was leading meetings about half an hour's drive from me. I drove over to the hotel where she was working, and we sat in the lobby to talk.  Three hours later our conversation finally wrapped up.  I was on the lookout for her to introduce some major agenda item, but there were only minor items that we could have addressed over the phone. I think she just needed a safe person to talk with. That can be hard to find when you're in leadership.

During our time together, we got to talking about some younger women in her organization who are getting leadership degrees in one of the academic programs my school provides. I named several of these graduate students that I would love to see progress toward a doctorate. They are organized, positive, bright, and clearly capable.

And then we talked about some others in the same group of students. These are not women that I would recommend for advancement.  Here's why:

One of them had been told two years ago that she needed to produce a transcript from one of her schools in order to be fully accepted to our program. A year later and after warnings to her, the transcript was nowhere to be seen, so she was blocked from registering for her next term. She called in, and was so rude to people in three offices on our campus that they began not answering the phone when they saw her number, frustrating her even further. I don't excuse their lack of service, but I don't excuse her attitude, either. And as the dean of my school, I did talk with her about it.

Another woman always "colors outside the lines." Rules and procedures don't apply to her, and she, too, can be rude about trying to get what she wants. During her first term in our program she raised a nasty ruckus on campus about dorm and cafeteria issues. Then there was time she ordered in pizza during class time--even after we made it clear to the students that our contract with the hotel prohibited external vendors. As the professor I had to say to her, "You're welcome to sit out in the parking lot and eat your pizza, but class will get underway on time, and without pizza in the room."

Another student in the cohort was supposed to be in two classes this past summer, classes necessary for the degree her cohort is working toward. But she decided that instead, she would rather work on a committee and go to a professional training across country. Even though I told her at the start of the first event--I was on that same committee as a guest member--that this would set her behind in finishing her program, she went ahead with her own agenda. The "insult-to-injury" was that she then asked the professor of the class that she was missing to do independent study arrangements for her--at no cost, of course--to enable her to keep up with her cohort. (He refused, as he should.) And then when we wouldn't accommodate independent studies for her, she signed up for a distance learning class, and--after the fact--asked her employer to pay for it.

"What is up with these students?" I said to my colleague today. "They were hand-picked to attend this program because they were seen to have potential to be future leaders. But they're doing things to shoot themselves in the foot. And yet they will want our good recommendations when it gets to job-hunting time."

My colleague was just as bemused as I was, and added another story or two she knew about these students onto the pile.

"Another thing," I added. "The students who don't seem to get it are primarily women. What's up with that? Don't they understand how carefully you and I have have worked to open the doors for women in leadership? It's almost like they are trying to mess with what we have worked so hard to accomplish."

"They don't get it," said my friend. "They weren't here to see what it was like when we were first in leadership positions."

When we were first in leadership.

It was hard, back then. I remember going to leadership meetings 25 years ago as a vice-principal and walking past a group of male principals who didn't even acknowledge me, although most of them knew me. They were busy talking about their afternoon golf game in guy-words, and I was invisible.  Educational leadership was an old boys' club back then, and we women received the message in all kinds of little, mostly unintended ways that we were second-rate or invisible. That old boys' club persists even now, with some of the guys my age and older. But they are becoming more and more a minority as the years pass and society's awareness changes.

Not only that, but we had negative expectations from women to deal with. I remember getting ready to leave the parochial school where I had been a teacher for six years and vice-principal for three years. My office had been in a nook off the main office where the secretary and the bookkeeper worked, and I had interacted with them daily, considering them to be friends and assuming their support. As we discussed my impending departure, Andrea the secretary said, "You know, I was really worried about having a woman boss when you became vice principal. But you've been really good to work for. In fact, you're the one who has been running the school, if the truth be told.

I was floored by her comment about my gender. She admitted she had expected that any woman boss would be "witchy-with-a-B," as we used to say. And I had proven her wrong. I was glad it had gone so well, but I also pondered the concept of women who expect a bad experience in working for other women who take up leadership.

It was then that I realized that in my work, I would be teaching people that women leaders can be effective, calm, wise, collaborative, responsible, and visionary. That's a pretty heavy burden, doing all that as a representative of your gender.

And that's why my friend and I found it so frustrating to see women throw that away. It felt like their rudeness, lack of responsibility, and willingness to break the rules had potential to undo what we tried so hard to establish. You just want to shake these women, these women who actually have plenty of potential, and say, "Get a grip, Girl! Take care of that fatal flaw, because the world needs you. But it's not going to want you unless you can play nice. Raise your gaze to a bigger picture! Show some integrity and wisdom. We're not done yet with this task of establishing that women can lead effectively. Don't mess it up!"