Reflections on a Race Well Run

Hibiscus flowers on the campus of Husband's university, July 2014

Well, the long marathon is over. The course started eight years ago is completed, and Husband and I are in Michigan for him to walk down that aisle in his regalia next Sunday, carrying his doctoral hood as he receives his Doctor of Philosophy in Leadership degree. It's a good thing. And as with that memorable day when I drove down the hill in 1996 to mail my own completed dissertation off to my advisor, I have that hole-in-the-stomach feeling of, "What's next? I haven't really thought through this!" The burden of finishing this course has weighed on our shoulders for so long, taken up every spare minute for year after year, that it almost seems like a loss to cross the finish line.

Sometimes I hear--particularly in relationship to medical school graduations--the comment that the spouse can take credit for that degree as much as the person who completed it. Having now lived in the spouse role, I disagree with that. All I did was a lot of listening, provided my own opinion now and then as a person who had traveled this road before him (this could be referred to as "interfering," by the way), and lived as the sole wage-earner for two of those years. None of those things, not even all of those things put together, can equal Husband's responsibility for the amount of work, thought, learning, and carrying of that heavy, heavy load for the past eight years. 

I ponder if my own degree would have been easier or more difficult, had I had a companion by my side, as Husband did. A little of each--easier and more difficult--, I think. My family did the listening by phone and in person. My brother gave a few opinions when asked. And my parents chipped in with some financial support although I never worked less than 3/4-time while making my own way through the degree. But I think that doing it alone through that time, with no one else to take care of emotionally, was probably the most efficient. Husband had to live with me going through some of the toughest times in my career and life. He had to weather me asking that we move to a new location and job. He provided emotional and prayer support to me through all of that while trying to finish his own PhD degree. I'm amazed at what he has managed so well.

And I am so proud of his work. His dissertation was far more involved, far more weighty, far better done in all the details, than mine. I have always known he was by nature the more academic of the two of us, and his work is evidence of that. Hearing his professors brag about his dissertation, hearing his fellow students come up and congratulate him yesterday because they've heard about the excellence and complexity of his research--that has been such a pleasure for me. It has validated what I predicted as he started out on this journey. This is something his strengths are suited to doing, even while he also possesses the strengths for excellence in his professional work, as well.

So what is next? Husband has just taken up a new job as principal of a junior high school about 20 minutes' drive from our home. It will bring its own challenges. The long-term culmination of his career is not yet clear. But this is where the "doors opened," so to speak, and you have to walk through open doors when it comes to getting a job!

In the meantime, I am scheming for a few Sundays when we can just hop on the metro from the station near our house and go exploring together for the first time since we moved to the greater Los Angeles area. And I'm scheming for some travel together, both in this country and internationally. And beyond that? Who knows! As I said, we haven't completely thought it through yet. But I like to imagine that adventures lie in store for us when we do. 

A race always changes you and your experience a bit. We have become different people in running this race. And fortunately, they are people that we like.