Dads and Affirmation

My favorite photo of our granddaughter and her Daddy

As a child, I wished I had my father's verbal approval.

But first, in fairness, a disclaimer: Memory is a funny thing. It works with the selectiveness of a spotlight: ignoring some things, flattening out others with its brightness, and telling its own truth...which isn't necessarily the truth. In recounting our childhood stories we all rewrite our histories. So I couldn't tell you what the reality was, but my memories are of my dad working very hard, wanting peace and quiet when he got home, and being interested in other things and other people than me. Whether it was fact or the fiction of memory, I got the impression that he wasn't much interested in my friends, my growing ability at the piano ("Quit that noisy banging, and take your foot off the loud pedal"), any of my interests or the books I was reading, or my budding leadership abilities at church.

It's rather impressive, then, to consider that when I was only about a dozen years old, I went to my dad rather boldly and asked him to tell me when he saw me do something well. I don't recall whether I pointed out that he was quick to admonish me when he saw me biting my nails, or that he would glower a bit threateningly when asking if I'd done my assigned chores on a Friday. But I craved hearing what I did right.

I'll never forget my dad's answer, and this is where the spotlight of memory shines clear. "When we drive up Burmah Road and we come to a stoplight, sometimes the light is red. I stop the car and wait for it to turn green. Does the policeman come over and say, 'Thank you for stopping at the red light'?"

"No," I answered in a small voice, seeing where this was going, and feeling rather stupid.

"The policeman tells me when I do something wrong, doesn't he? Who in this world is going to come and say to you, 'Thank you for going ahead when the light was green'?"

And that was the end of that. My take-away lesson was that my dad would point out to me when I was out of line, and if I didn't hear something, I could take that as indication that I was doing well.

Research during the past fifty years on the effects of feedback to children has been fascinating to follow. By now, this is quite clear:  Praise/feedback is actually less effective when it's

• dished out too often, 
• is generalized rather than specific (e.g. "good boy" "that's great," "good job," etc.), 
• is too easy to earn (e.g. "I like the way you're all sitting quietly,"), and 
• is focused on the person instead of on the process ("Thank you for being such great kids").

To be most effective, praise should be

• focused on the process ("The way you enlarged the size of the eyes in that cartoon was clever in that it makes the characters look [blah, blah, blah]")
• given when the person accomplishes something challenging, ("You were scared of getting up and making that speech in front of your class, but you did it well, and they were interested!")
• sincere (instead of manipulative to get the child to do more what you want them to do), and 
• should be focused on behavior and effort rather than on the child's personal attributes, which s/he can't change.

There is an important role that only a father can fill in giving positive feedback to his children. I suspect that girls crave this more than boys do, and their self-image suffers when it's not received. I've watched little girls in my family do the "Dad, look at this!" routine in one way or another, seeking verbal affirmation. But female or male, we all have a built-in need for healthy, interactive relationship with our fathers, a relationship that includes feedback indicating our father's regard for and reactions to our behaviors.

I was thinking about this the other day as I pondered the ways in which positive feedback--from people both within and outside of my immediate family--has motivated and informed me over the years. And then I wondered about God. Do we have indications that our Father has been specific with what pleases Him about us? Does He tell us? Does He brag on us?  Immediately one example in the story of Job came to mind.

The Lord said to Satan, "Have you considered My servant Job?  For there is no one like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man, fearing God and turning away from evil." Job 1:8 (NASB)

That's specific praise! And there are others. Here's one where Jesus affirms a woman in front of other people, which is one of the strongest, most memorable ways to dish out feedback:

But Jesus, aware of this, said to them, "Why do you bother the woman? For she has done a good deed to me.... For when she poured this perfume on My body, she did it to prepare Me for burial. Truly I say to you, wherever this gospel is preached in the whole world, what this woman has done will also be spoken in memory of her." Matt. 26:10, 12-13 (NASB)

And one more, God's approval after Solomon asked in the night for wisdom:

God said to Solomon, "Because you had this in mind, and did not ask for riches, wealth or honor, or the life of those who hate you, nor have you even asked for long life, but you have asked for yourself wisdom and knowledge that you may rule My people over whom I have made you king, wisdom and knowledge have been granted to you. And I will give you riches and wealth and honor, such as none of the kings who were before you has possessed nor those who will come after you. 2 Chronicles 1:11-12 (NASB)

Reading about God as a Father, I don't see much ambiguity. He lets people know what He values and what he abhors, where they do well and where they should repent and change their behaviors. He does indeed dish out commendations for "stopping at a red light," as well as corrections for those who don't.

You get my point.

I would add one thing: We are all still children at heart, even after we have grown up, put on our socially suave masks, and gotten our poise. It would still be worth our time to remember to affirm one another with specific words that point out what is done notably. The inner child in an adult still needs that affirmation. We can do this as adults for one another at home, at church, and in the workplace.  It's a godly way to be.