Secrets and Disclosure

On display in my sister-in-law's window in Seattle

He said to them, "Do you bring in a lamp to put it under a bowl or a bed? Instead, don't you put it on its stand? For whatever is hidden is meant to be disclosed, and whatever is concealed is meant to be brought out into the open. If anyone has ears to hear, let him hear."  Mark 4:21-23

There have been a number of stories in the news in the past few years about situations in which someone had a secret, and it became public knowledge. Several of those were politicians who have had a mistress on the side, a "love child" (shouldn't a child born in a loving marriage also be able to lay claim to that moniker?), or a habit of sending unseemly photos of themselves to others. In addition, there are high-profile people who have secretly been bilking others of money or property in some form or another. In all of these stories, the culprits tried to deny their secret as it came to light, then were shamed, and innocent people have suffered great pain because of their actions.

I have come to believe that while there are some people who don't carry secrets, there are not families without secrets. We as humans are too fallible, too self-serving, too fractured to not possess family stories that we wish to hide from others. In most cases family members know of the secrets, but don't share those things publicly.

And that is probably wise. The principle behind not displaying everything for anyone to see is the same principle that causes us to clothe ourselves, to guard the privacy of our diaries and journals, and to close the door when we enter our bedrooms. Some things are simply ... well ... private knowledge.

Nevertheless, as one of our pastors pointed out recently, secrets should not remain completely undisclosed. For the sake of our own health and growth, for the sake of our own freedom, we need to make confession.  "I don't think we have to be transparent with everyone," said the pastor, "we just need to be transparent with someone." Whether that sharing is with a trusted friend, a counselor, or the person we've hurt, we should not bear a burden of a secret alone.

There is good reason to confess. Jesus pointed out that "whatever is hidden is meant to be disclosed, and whatever is concealed is meant to be brought out into the open." In the long run, nothing stays hidden forever.  Secondly, we need to be free of our secrets in order to be healthy. "There's a correlation," said our pastor, between light and healing.  When we confess our sins and bring them out into the light, they lose their power." While confession may not make a person feel better, it should provide a sense of freedom.

This would seem quite straightforward, but the topic can become complex. Complex in what way?  Here's an example:

I found out some years after leaving a vice-principal job that a student office worker was sneaking into records on my desk and changing them so as to advantage himself and his friends. I felt so betrayed and hurt by the abuse of my trust and high esteem of the student, it really has done no good for me at all. If the student had come and told me himself about it, making contrite confession, I would have forgiven, but I think it would have still left me disappointed in him. Depending on how his motivation came across, I might have still thought less of him for his action.

There are, of course, other kinds of betrayals that hurt much worse than the one I described. Must these sins be confessed to the person who was betrayed, if that person doesn't know about it?  I am convinced that they must be confessed to someone. But I am not yet convinced that one needs to confess directly to the person who would most be harmed by the betrayal.

For example, should a person confess to a spouse one indiscretion or affair from many years ago? Depending on the circumstances, if the betrayed spouse is likely to never, ever find out about it, is it necessary to confess to him or her? (I'm picking out the most egregious betrayal I can think of, as the example.) I've had conversations that have made me wonder if it's best to leave someone unenlightened as to a dishonest act against them. I'd be interested in what my readers think.

In any case, I do believe that someday all things will be disclosed, that there is a judgment day, and thus there is reason for at least one kind of confession, for freeing oneself of the burden and opening the heart to grace and growth. As the pastor said, "Keeping secrets takes all the energy you would need to reach out and find healing." Yep. A lot of us need to reach out and find healing. I'm just grateful that it's there to be found.

Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the LORD.” And you forgave the guilt of my sin. Psalm 32:5