Sixth Grade Girl Games, Part 2

Found on the internet

[Note: I've worked on this post a while, and am not sure it does just what I want it to, but after working it over for some days, I just need to send it on its way and move on.]

The truth is this: for some adults, the "sixth grade girl games" persist. I have long observed the adult version, seen the benefits as well as the offenses of it, and have wondered about it. My disclaimer, right up front, is that I'm describing the dynamic below simplistically in order for us to look at it and think about it.

First, let's establish the fact that we all need friends. Interactions with others make us different people than we would be if left to ourselves. Friends enrich our lives. We share ideas, support one another, and sometimes rub the rough edges off each other. We have close friends, and others who are good acquaintances. Research says that the average person has only 2 very close friends (down from three in 1985). One in four has no confidante at all.

Many people have friends that are "onesies," for lack of a better term.  There's a close friend here, and a close friend or two there, but no core group. Others prefer a group that frequently does things together. This, I think, is where the "sixth grade girl games" may become an issue for some adults. When you operate within a small and insular circle of close friends, a dynamic can emerge that it doesn't appear with a "onesies" approach to friendship.

Like "sixth grade girls," adults may also use their friendship groups to seek validation. They know what the count is, who is in and who is out. The loyalty factor is in strong play, because disloyalty would break the circle. Their sense of social success and security comes from the tightness of their bonds, the degree to which they stick up for each other when one feels internally or externally threatened, and the degree to which all members of the group are included in the major gatherings. Loyalty brings rewards (you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours) and disloyalty brings punishment.

Additionally, adults in a group are as good as "sixth grade girls" at conveying to each other whether their actions and appearance are acceptable or not. Those who don't fit in may be pushed to the margins. Whether this is a social teaching tactic or a punishment isn't clear to me. But if you are a bit socially awkward, it's going to happen. Furthermore, if you are on the outside and want to break into such a group of friends, you'll need to spend some time watching their culture and proving yourself. It's not easy.

All of this is done in very adult ways, you understand, sometimes with a degree of snobbery and elitism. The social pressures and group culture are strong. Additionally, if the group of friends work together, the potential for political pressure is even stronger. I won't speak up in opposition to you, because I might need you to support my project or area in the future. If you are being threatened, I must advocate for you if I want you to advocate or vote for me in the future.

The thing that bothers me about adult "sixth grade girl games" is the limiting factor. If I don't belong to the group, I am limited in my ability to make friends in that group. If I do belong to the group, I'm limited in my freedom to think "outside the group," to disagree with them to anyone outside the group, or to make close "onesies" friends outside the group. Even if it would not be seen as disloyal, the dynamic of the group doesn't allow time to really foster other relationships.

My take on all this? It all boils down to the advice with which my dad sent me off to boarding school when I was fourteen years old: Make as many friends as you can. Don't limit yourself. (He also tied that to dating in my teenage years, which was actually helpful, at least for me.)  Get to know all kinds of people. Seek to enrich each of your varied friends somehow.

I think that we are actually more healthy when we don't limit ourselves to just one friend, or even to a close and insular circle of friends who are much like us. There's a rich variety of people to know out there. We're probably happiest in knowing others if we can accept them just they are and assume their freedom and ability to determine their own lives, and seek the same respect and freedom for ourselves.