Backbone: When to Stay, When to Leave (Part 1)

I have been thinking lately about the importance of backbone to a person, and to an organization. I'm not talking about literal backbone, but the backbone of wisdom and principle in terms of being congruent with yourself and others.

I might add before starting that I may sound pretty harsh on some of this. It's not because I feel harsh; I think it's worth the risk of being judged harsh in pursuing the freedom to be direct on this topic. I have known enough people and seen enough situations in my own various workplaces over the years to be quite sure of these thoughts...for most situations. If it doesn't fit you, then fine. Chuck it. But if it sounds familiar, perhaps it would be good for you to consider the following ideas to see if there's something to be gleaned here.

First, let me address having a backbone for your own sake. I have been fortunate in that almost all the organizations in which I have had a part--schools, workplaces, churches, musical groups, drama productions, et cetera--are organizations with which I have been in congruence. I could buy into the mission, I could appreciate the values, I could support the leadership, and I could see more positive than negative in my experience with that organization. It has made for a happy life.

On rare occasion, though, I have not been in congruence with an organization. In one such case, for example, I attended a church where the pastor was negative and punishing to the congregation. The church service was his show, the people on the platform his cronies, and the sermon used to "guilt" the members into his way of seeing the world. I found myself leaving church each week angry. I loved the people at the church, but they could not balance out the man at the front, who I perceived in so many ways to present a warped picture of God, mission and service. The question was, should I stay with that church, or have the backbone to go elsewhere? I had the backbone to leave. In that particular case, it was a healthy thing to do.

On another occasion I was in a musical group with wonderful people, but the leadership again was "guilting" and treating the group members badly, including me. I stayed for some time, thinking that perhaps the people made up for it, but finally I left. And then I wondered why I hadn't left sooner, as I felt the burden lift. I realized I had been waiting for the leader to ask me to leave, rather than having the backbone to simply pack up shop and depart. If you can't support a leader, and you feel you're being treated badly by the leadership, I learned, you have the freedom to go. And you should go. Don't wait for someone to give you the heave-ho and "fire" you, either figuratively or literally. It's not worth it to stay in an organization with dysfunctional relationships.

On several occasions I have been in a work situation in which I have been unhappy. The stakes are higher there. It's my income, my sustenance. Several times in my work life I have taken steps to ascertain whether the position was really a fit for me, either in terms of my capabilities or in terms of getting along with my colleagues. At each of those times I faced the boogey-man of whether I would have the backbone to quit if things didn't work out, and I'm relieved to say that I found I did have the backbone. As my father used to tell me, "Always make sure you can afford the luxury of integrity."  While I haven't actually had to quit my job at any time because of a lack of fit or inability to come to agreement between me and my colleagues or boss, I have been grateful to find that I was willing and prepared to do so. It has made me happier with myself.

Some readers might question my inflexible statements on this topic. "I need the paycheck," you might think, with some level of panic. "I don't have other opportunities, so I'm going to stick it out." Hear me now: Your life is too short. Your paycheck is not worth the grudges you harbor in your heart. You will die a bitter old person who has created a story in which you were mistreated or not a match for your organization or workplace, and deep in your heart you will know that it's all your own fault for staying. You allowed it to happen, and you didn't have the backbone to find a better place. Start looking now for something else (while you stay a bit longer in your current one, of course). Even if the new place you find has a lower income, make the budget cuts in your personal life to accommodate a healthier situation for yourself. You will respect yourself more for having the backbone to move to a happier place.

In the next part, I expect to talk about the effect of an individual's backbone on an organization.