When "No" is Kind

In a meeting last winter which I attended, a student leader representing the student associations of all twelve or so of the colleges and universities in our affiliated group made a presentation. He requested $75,000 to buy software to make a specially customized version of Facebook that would tie the students of the affiliation together.  "Community and connectedness," he argued, "are the most important thing."

I highly respect student leadership on our own campus, student leadership which tends to do a pretty good job of prioritizing with common sense the goals they wish to accomplish. This one had me baffled. Paying big dollars for a customized Facebook for twelve fairly small higher education institutions?

I was even more baffled as I watched leaders of our institutions discuss the request in front of the student who had come to present it. They were all very polite, seeming to take the request seriously, some very gently questioning it but no one saying (in the tradition of one of our excellent professors), "This is not your best hour; go back and try again. Focus on the missions of your schools and what will really make a difference in the world. Think more deeply." One of the presidents eventually made a motion that we refer the request out to the executive committee of the group "for closer study." And the motion was voted through.

I couldn't believe it. That's the kiss of death! It's a "nice" way to kill a request, referring it out to a committee for a governing body that only meets once a year. In another year there will be a different student representative, and the request will be forgotten because students move through leadership positions yearly.  How convenient! And ultimately, how unkind it was. The student (and those back home who helped prepare the proposal) learned nothing. Nothing at all. They were nicely snubbed.

Are we just too chicken to say "No" to someone?  How does that help them?

I believe we've bought into the social myth that saying "No" is unkind. I would argue that saying "No" is kind. "No" is educational. Saying "No" is what the world is going to do to people. No, you cannot bear the kind of debt you're taking on. No, you can't eat a high fat diet for years and not clog up your arteries. No, you cannot drive 80 miles an hour on the freeway and assume you won't get a ticket. No, you cannot forget to water your garden and have it stay alive. No, you can't treat your children badly and expect them not to return ill will to you.  Why are we fooling ourselves? There are all kinds of "No" in this world.

"No" may just be kind in situations where it feels painful. I once watched a teacher get the news that her request for promotion was denied. She cried, and went through a brief period of argument and blaming others. That's understandable. And then she bucked up and said, "I'll do what I need to do."  This teacher is going from being okay to being excellent at what she does, and will get there in a shorter time. In holding a high standard and saying "No," the review committee was kinder to the teacher, and kinder to her students, than if they'd given her the impression that her performance was excellent.

People are more resilient than we give them credit for. People will meet a higher standard if we'll bother to set it for them. People who catch on to the wisdom of such a thing will appreciate it when a "No" leads to better thinking, stronger teaching, smarter learning, and all those rewards that we receive when we are required to put in more effort and are accordingly recognized for it.

We who have the power and position to say "No" would do well to consider having the courage to say it when we know it will make the world a better place.  Get rid of the momentary "nice." Belly up to the kick back you're going to receive when you say "No." It truly can be the kindest answer to give, even when it's disappointing to the hearer. If it's for the long-term good of a person or for humans in general, Just say "No."