A Friend-ly Paean

Masai women chatting, Kenya, 1999Today I write in honor of and gratefulness for friends.

Not the kind of friends who stick by you because they want access to something you have, or the kind that are friendly because you have some leadership position and they see it as politically wise to remain in good relationship with you. Not the kind of friends who hear you say something unwise and take offense--as opposed to the kind who, upon hearing you say something unwise, will assume you didn't really mean that, and will check with you on it. Not the kind of friends who "stink talk" about you when it becomes expedient to them to do so. Not the kind of friends who are constantly on the edge of ruling you out of their circle for any number of reasons.

Now that we've got those kinds of friends out of the way, the finest ones are left! They are the friends who accept you with all your quirks. They believe well of you. Their ears put the best spin on what you say. They brighten up when you walk in the door, consider every time you get together to be a treat, and tell you in all kinds of ways that they care about you. The heartfelt cares of your life are heard with kindness and not passed on. You truly can tell them anything. If you or they chalk up accomplishments or titles, they let those don't come between you, and if you crash and burn, they nurse you back to wellness with sympathy and gentleness.

Recent research on relationships has shown that for Americans, the number of close friendships has diminished. In the early 1980s, the average number of close, can-tell-them-anything friendships per person was about three. In 2006, a person's close friends were reported to be at an average of about two. The number of non-family confidants had dropped even more than the number of family confidants. Researchers worried over the findings; close friendships outside the family provide a "safety net," they said. They also tended to be correlated with higher civic engagement; people with close friends reach out in other ways. Now, they said, they are observing "a trend towards smaller, closer social networks more centered on spouses and partners.” The opportunity to lean on friends for emotional and social balance is diminishing in our country.

I remember the first time I read that we have many casual friends, but only three or so close friends. I had considered myself to have many close friends. But as I think about it, I read the research around the time that I'd just emerged from eight years in boarding schools. These schools are hothouses of building friendships among young people who like to connect. Over the years, those friendships in my life that have persisted--the ones where I can pick up right where I left off and continue to "say anything"--have emerged more clearly and become exceedingly precious. And sure enough, I would now count only two or three of those outside my immediate family.

Back to the research: the findings showed that fully 25% of the people studied had no one with whom they could discuss matters important to them. And so I come full circle to where I began: Today I write in honor of and gratefulness for my friends. And to anyone reading this, I wish you similar blessings in life.