Priorities, Persons, Plans and Pursuits

An acquaintance once happened to mention to me that he'd asked each of his teen/young adult children--not in the hearing of the others, and at various times--what they thought their mom's top three priorities were. As he related it to me, the kids said they didn't recall hearing her say, but they each separately guessed the priorities would go thus: 1) mom's work, 2) God, and 3) family.

Ouch. Dad had reason to tell me the story that way, as his family had been through rough waters. Nevertheless, the story holds its own simply on strength of the anecdote.

Children can tell what their parents' priorities are. Regardless of whether the priorities are stated outright or not, or whether they're the outworking of a sense of mission/vision, a deep personal need, or of a more self-serving character, children are pretty much dead-on at figuring out precisely in what order their parents organize their top values. Children see these priorities in the honest light of how much time is allocated to the parent's priorities, level of expressed enthusiasm and caring, and depth of involvement.

How we get so mixed up, I do not know. I spent some of my growing up years around kids whose dads traveled so much that the kids hardly knew them, kids who knew without a doubt that their parent's sense of calling took priority over any of their needs. For a number of my growing up years, I accepted those priorities as healthy, simply because they were in the subculture around me. Since then I've observed parents who do the same with their long work hours, leaving them little in the way of reserves or interest for parenting. I've long since ceased to see these priorities or ways of living as being acceptable for families with children.

One of the most insidious forms of idolatry mentioned repeatedly in the books of the biblical prophets and kings was the worship of Molech, where children were sacrificed on the outstretched hands of the idol. In some ways, I think Molech still exists...for entire families. While I'm personally committed to the "God first" ideal, I have a nearly impossible time believing that God intends us to formulate our calling or work for Him--however we wish to describe that--into such a mode that our children are forced to suffer, seemingly at His hands because of our tendency to view our work as sacred work.

Let me be more specific in using one example, although others exist: I see this happening all the time in Christian organizations. Be it the children of missionaries, the children of pastors, the children of traveling administrators, or simply the children of people who become addicted to their work at the expense of their families, this is one of the viruses in the organism. It leaves children not only resentful of their parents, but resentful of the religion/institution/agency that would seem to turn their parents away from them. Remember this: the parents may have had the opportunity to choose to answer the call, but their children usually had that choice made for them, without their participation in it.

I believe that people who have children in the growing-up years should consider this very carefully in terms of the long-term emotional health of their families and children. If they are not careful, they and their children could pay tuition for a very long time for a lesson hard learned, too late.

When Husband and I got married, he wrote into our vows his promise that he would "not put any person, plan or pursuit" before me. While I can think of a hundred ways in which I've not been perfect in practicing what I preach, I think I'll say it anyway: When setting and living out our life's priorities, we would do well to make that same commitment to our whole families.