We're enculturated in today's world to become approval junkies. It seems like we're not okay unless someone is indicating to us in some way that we're approved of, that we're "good."I first noticed this when the education world was turning--during my teacher education days--to caring significantly about a child's self-esteem. I think it was to a great degree based on Skinner's work in behaviorism, in which rewards were used to shape the behavior of pigeons...and later, children. Whether or not my professors meant for me to pick up this take-home message, I learned that rewards were a good thing to hand out to well-behaved students, that a token system for classroom behavior was effective and therefore recommended to us beginning teachers, that compliments on student work or performance would encourage more good performance and help students to feel good about "being good."
In some ways this got to be ridiculous: I heard teachers saying to their students, "I like the way you did such-and-such," even if such-and-such was actually a wrong answer or didn't meet the objective of the class. I bought into it for a while myself, as a teacher.
And then one day I felt like I had woken up. I was seeing that people were getting so used to always being patted on the back, whether they were right or not, whether they'd done well or were just being normal humans. Their skins were getting so thin that they couldn't take the demands of having to work for quality. They couldn't take the thought of getting a C grade--which, after all, should mean "average." It dawned on me, that day, that people deserve an honest response. It should be okay for me to say to a student, "No, that's not correct," or "Nice try, but you'd better go back, do your homework and get it right." Let's face it, folks: sometimes you and I are average, or even below average with our work. We ain't perfect, and it might be helpful in the end to admit it.
If you think you're good stuff, if everyone around you has told you so throughout your entire life, then what happens when you hit your first big failure? Do you know how to deal with it or will you crumple? Furthermore, how do you deal with the fact that, just because someone makes a judgment about you, doesn't make it true? A verse in the Bible about being battered every which way by the changing winds comes to mind. Our self-concepts should not be dependent on the messages others give us. And how does a person who believes themselves to be "good" understand that their righteousness is as "filthy rags" and they need salvation?
This, I think, is just a bit of the evil that the outworking of the self-esteem movement has perpetrated on our society.
In the last few years the kids trained in this environment have hit college, and our professors don't know what has hit them. Why are students coming unglued when they get a C+? Why are their parents calling, upset, when their kid fails her first Chemistry test? Why are some people not able to face the fact that perhaps they just got a wake-up call when they got a poor grade on that first quiz, and need to follow the professors' directions for studying in ways that will pay off for real learning?
Somehow, I think we have gotten hijacked from building real inner strength. In our society (at least in north America) we seem to have come to depend on a myth that we are all innately good and deserve to be told so on a regular basis.
I was thinking about these things this morning as I read Galatians 1:10: Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. It made me squirm. I know how much I'm driven by the approval of others, and how hard I struggle to break free of that. If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.
If your opinion of me is what drives me (and I use "you" non-specifically, but with a few test cases in mind), then how will I ever build inner strength and stay true to Christ's claims on my life and His leading in my daily decisions? Because you know what? Sometimes you are dead wrong whether you're building me up or tearing me down. And sometimes you're downright ugly in attitude as you make your judgments. And all the time you need a Savior ... just as I do.
Seems to me that we need to be big boys and girls, to seek the truths in life instead of desperately looking around us for the thumbs-up sign.
We've had a difficult time here dealing with the students who are fresh out of boot camp yet are unwilling to be corrected by their superiors. They give attitude or just leave when things don't don't go the way they want. I guess I was born just early enough to miss the ramifications of this. How do you help someone do better who refuses to admit they've done wrong? Phil gets so frustrated when they pull out the, "I didn't know." card to get out of the responsibility when they have been told at least 3 times of the rules for the base. I hope our culture is able to self-correct before this affects too many more generations!
ReplyDeleteA few years ago, "Dr. Laura" wrote a book that touched on this subject. I recall a summary quip: "We think that if we can make kids feel good about themselves, they'll do Right. What we should be teaching them is that if they do Right, they'll feel good about themselves." It's true, too, isn't it? When we do "Right" -- whether it's getting the answers right on an exam or making the many small (& sometimes large) sacrifices that build good moral character, there's an unexpected payoff in feeling good about it and about ourselves. Dr. L further stated, "Kids aren't fools. They know a worthless compliment when they hear it." Judging by what's happening in colleges now, maybe she was wrong...
ReplyDeleteI don't think we need the approval of others but mature people should welcome the "iron-sharpening" insight others without being dependent upon it. And I think providing character affirmation for young people is vital. But I do remember from my days working at a college thinking what fragile self-esteems students came in with.
ReplyDeleteWow! Insightful. I've pretty much learned to live without expecting your approval on everything, haven't I? ;-)
ReplyDeleteWhat a great post. I've seen the awful results of that self-esteem-booster era of the 80s. I'm probably a product of it, myself.
ReplyDeleteIt's true that we seek approval. But God designed us that way, did He not? Why would He do that? What do you think was His purpose in building our wiring that way? I'm sure the original idea has been corrupted by centuries of sin in the world, but I'm just curious...what is the point of desiring approval? In your mind, that is. This isn't a challenge, I'm just curious.
Is that desire kind of like our wisdom teeth or our second kidney? We often don't actually use them and can live without them? I'm sure God put them there for a reason...but that reason has since become irrelevant.
Anyway, just my two cents. Curious as to your thoughts on God's reasoning...not that anyone can know that, but theorize with me. :o)
Becky, you ask some great questions. I have opinions, but not the final answer. I'm clear that most of us are wired for approval. But I wonder if that's the "vestigial appendix" left of being wired and open for a close and fulfilling relationship with the God of the universe. Just a theory: If you're not getting the filling of God that you were made to have (i.e. the god-shaped hole in your life), could it make sense that you still feel the need and are looking elsewhere for what you're needing so badly? I do know that when I'm strong spriritually, I am much less shattered or swayed by disapproval from other people.
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