Malaysian Potluck

One of the best things about moving back to California has been the return to a place where there is diversity of color, culture, and cuisine.  (Wow, wasn't that alliterative?!)  We have been invited to several potlucks with old friends from Malaysia, and my-oh-my, these people know how to COOK!

Here is the feast as we surveyed it a couple of Saturday nights ago.  Right smack in front, with the sliced hard-boiled eggs on it, is bee-hoon, a rice noodle dish that was a staple of my growing up years.  The nice thing about Malaysian food is that it always includes many vegetables, in addition, of course, to all the yummy fried foods.

This particular potluck had an attendance of about 40 people, all connected to my home island of Penang.  We couldn't fit everyone in one photo, so this is just the picture of the ladies. Funny thing is, no one knew everyone, so it was a good getting-acquainted time with lots of laughter and "Penang-ite" insider jokes.  For example, not many people in this world, comparatively, know that "botak-head" is a comic term for a bald guy. Husband met several botak-head guys there who had recently shaved their heads, as he had, so he wasn't the only one.  (What's up with the trend of guys shaving heads? Is it something in the air?)

My dad had fun catching up with Brandon, one of his former youth group guys who is a real sweetheart, and also with Lucas, his former pastor from Penang. Stories flew, endorphins ran high, and my 85-year old dad looked like his old self in a few minutes, with 15 years of aging falling away just like that. Reconnecting with one's tribe is good for the body as well as the soul.

And the food! Oh, the food! This one was a rice-flour agar with pandan leaf product and coconut powder that's hard to describe.  I expected it to be sweet, but it was salty and delicious.

We'll end with a photo of the dessert corner before it was unwrapped. The goodies at the top and on the left are known as "nyonya kuih," which is pronounced "No-nyuh kway."  If you're interested in the vast variety of kuih, you can read about them and see some photos here.  I won't even attempt to make them in my kitchen, because they're really not all that healthy. But at a potluck?  Let me at 'em!  The following two weeks on the scales have tracked my journey of recovery....

Botanicals

Yellow Butterfly Bush

On a recent Saturday we went to the Botanical Gardens in the late afternoon. Our deadline for landscaping is coming up (don't EVEN get us started talking about the rules of the homeowners' association here), and we needed some plant ideas.  To make the trip more fun, we got Daughter #1 and her family to join us. And now you can come along!

Granddaughter #3 thought it was a hoot to play with Grandpa and get him to hold her upside-down.  Would that we all would similarly relish the opportunity to look at things with a different perspective from time to time!

Granddaughter #2 was such a little cutie, running around and pointing things out to Oma (me). She's not really smiley for photos, but her momma got her doing it for this picture.

Love, love this photo of Grandpa and Granddaughter #3 in front of the camellia bush!

This was some kind of vine that I liked.  It was huge. We won't be planting it at our house, but it was lovely in the gardens.

More camellias.  We are definitely planting a couple of these bushes by our house.  They're so pretty, blooming in the middle of winter.

Granddaughter #2 was getting a little talking-to from her daddy. She had run ahead and around the corner, where we couldn't see her.  I love watching how the kids talk to their kids in all those "teachable moments." They're so patient, and they reason with their children intelligently, respecting their children's ability to make choices.

"Oma, I'm gonna CATCH you!"

Granddaughter #2.  I always wonder what kids are thinking when they get this faraway look in their eyes.  Maybe nothing, but then again, it could be really interesting!

Here they are: Daughter #1, her fine husband, and their two girls.  We're so blessed to be living near them!

A Tale of Baldness

No deep posting today; this is just to keep some dear folk up on our antics in January, since they're feeling out of the loop. I disabled my Facebook account at the beginning of the year.  Y'all are missing my photos, I know, so here we go.

On January 1, Big Doings were happening at our house. While I was disabling my Facebook account, Husband was shaving all his hair off. 

"Why???" you ask. Because I was spending too much time on Facebook.  OH! You mean Why did Husband go bald???  Well, he'd always wanted to see what his head looked like bald, and Age was not obliging him in ridding him of his hair.

We chronicled pretty much every step of the shaving-off process, but I won't force you to endure those photos. It's much more fun to see how the family reacted.

Daughter #1 thought it was a hoot when her dad showed up just before church time to surprise her with his new 'do.

Her daughter wasn't so sure, though.  In fact, that evening she asked her mom and dad, "Who was that man?"  She didn't connect the bald guy with Grandpa!

Granddaughter #3 wasn't phased at all.  Here she is, hanging out with me while Grandpa was trying to get her older sister to warm up to him.

Then we went by Daughter #2's place. She thought it was amusing to rub her dad's balded head.

Granddaughter #1 was not amused, and resisted all suggestions that she feel Grandpa's bald pate. Grandson #2 was happy to hug and hold and pat Grandpa on the head all we wanted. He's a lovey little kiddo.

Once we'd had a picnic together in the park, Grandson #1 and Granddaughter #1 were getting used to Grandpa's new look.

Before we left to go our separate ways, Granddaughter #1 finally was willing to rub that bald head (good luck, right?).  Note her mom photo-bombing the picture!

Ah, there's our sweet Daughter #2 looking gorgeous as she poses with her pops!

And we'll end with a a photo of her sweet kids posing happily as if they hadn't been fighting and tattle-taling on each other just 30 seconds before I snapped the photo.

Dads and Affirmation

My favorite photo of our granddaughter and her Daddy

As a child, I wished I had my father's verbal approval.

But first, in fairness, a disclaimer: Memory is a funny thing. It works with the selectiveness of a spotlight: ignoring some things, flattening out others with its brightness, and telling its own truth...which isn't necessarily the truth. In recounting our childhood stories we all rewrite our histories. So I couldn't tell you what the reality was, but my memories are of my dad working very hard, wanting peace and quiet when he got home, and being interested in other things and other people than me. Whether it was fact or the fiction of memory, I got the impression that he wasn't much interested in my friends, my growing ability at the piano ("Quit that noisy banging, and take your foot off the loud pedal"), any of my interests or the books I was reading, or my budding leadership abilities at church.

It's rather impressive, then, to consider that when I was only about a dozen years old, I went to my dad rather boldly and asked him to tell me when he saw me do something well. I don't recall whether I pointed out that he was quick to admonish me when he saw me biting my nails, or that he would glower a bit threateningly when asking if I'd done my assigned chores on a Friday. But I craved hearing what I did right.

I'll never forget my dad's answer, and this is where the spotlight of memory shines clear. "When we drive up Burmah Road and we come to a stoplight, sometimes the light is red. I stop the car and wait for it to turn green. Does the policeman come over and say, 'Thank you for stopping at the red light'?"

"No," I answered in a small voice, seeing where this was going, and feeling rather stupid.

"The policeman tells me when I do something wrong, doesn't he? Who in this world is going to come and say to you, 'Thank you for going ahead when the light was green'?"

And that was the end of that. My take-away lesson was that my dad would point out to me when I was out of line, and if I didn't hear something, I could take that as indication that I was doing well.

Research during the past fifty years on the effects of feedback to children has been fascinating to follow. By now, this is quite clear:  Praise/feedback is actually less effective when it's

• dished out too often, 
• is generalized rather than specific (e.g. "good boy" "that's great," "good job," etc.), 
• is too easy to earn (e.g. "I like the way you're all sitting quietly,"), and 
• is focused on the person instead of on the process ("Thank you for being such great kids").

To be most effective, praise should be

• focused on the process ("The way you enlarged the size of the eyes in that cartoon was clever in that it makes the characters look [blah, blah, blah]")
• given when the person accomplishes something challenging, ("You were scared of getting up and making that speech in front of your class, but you did it well, and they were interested!")
• sincere (instead of manipulative to get the child to do more what you want them to do), and 
• should be focused on behavior and effort rather than on the child's personal attributes, which s/he can't change.

There is an important role that only a father can fill in giving positive feedback to his children. I suspect that girls crave this more than boys do, and their self-image suffers when it's not received. I've watched little girls in my family do the "Dad, look at this!" routine in one way or another, seeking verbal affirmation. But female or male, we all have a built-in need for healthy, interactive relationship with our fathers, a relationship that includes feedback indicating our father's regard for and reactions to our behaviors.

I was thinking about this the other day as I pondered the ways in which positive feedback--from people both within and outside of my immediate family--has motivated and informed me over the years. And then I wondered about God. Do we have indications that our Father has been specific with what pleases Him about us? Does He tell us? Does He brag on us?  Immediately one example in the story of Job came to mind.

The Lord said to Satan, "Have you considered My servant Job?  For there is no one like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man, fearing God and turning away from evil." Job 1:8 (NASB)

That's specific praise! And there are others. Here's one where Jesus affirms a woman in front of other people, which is one of the strongest, most memorable ways to dish out feedback:

But Jesus, aware of this, said to them, "Why do you bother the woman? For she has done a good deed to me.... For when she poured this perfume on My body, she did it to prepare Me for burial. Truly I say to you, wherever this gospel is preached in the whole world, what this woman has done will also be spoken in memory of her." Matt. 26:10, 12-13 (NASB)

And one more, God's approval after Solomon asked in the night for wisdom:

God said to Solomon, "Because you had this in mind, and did not ask for riches, wealth or honor, or the life of those who hate you, nor have you even asked for long life, but you have asked for yourself wisdom and knowledge that you may rule My people over whom I have made you king, wisdom and knowledge have been granted to you. And I will give you riches and wealth and honor, such as none of the kings who were before you has possessed nor those who will come after you. 2 Chronicles 1:11-12 (NASB)

Reading about God as a Father, I don't see much ambiguity. He lets people know what He values and what he abhors, where they do well and where they should repent and change their behaviors. He does indeed dish out commendations for "stopping at a red light," as well as corrections for those who don't.

You get my point.

I would add one thing: We are all still children at heart, even after we have grown up, put on our socially suave masks, and gotten our poise. It would still be worth our time to remember to affirm one another with specific words that point out what is done notably. The inner child in an adult still needs that affirmation. We can do this as adults for one another at home, at church, and in the workplace.  It's a godly way to be.

Stiff Necked. Stubborn. Stone-hearted.

Photo from here

Friday evening vespers was opened with a prayer by a young man who said all the usual phrases.

I confess to typically tuning out public prayers, thinking my own thoughts instead. I remember my elementary school teacher doing something similar during church services. I can still see her in my mind’s eye, gazing out the louvred windows at the traffic going by. Our island's traffic was particularly interesting because of the presence of bicycles, trishaws, motorcycles, food peddlers and pedestrians. My teacher seemed to be a world away from what was happening in church.

Back to the young man praying at vespers. One phrase in his prayer startled me into attention: “Let us not be stiff-necked or stubborn or stone-hearted.”

Try that one aloud: Stiff-necked. Stubborn. Stone-hearted. Where did he come up with that? 

“Stiff-necked.” When Jews heard this phrase, they visualized a team of oxen. The farmer would follow them, prodding from behind with a stick so they'd go faster. Or he would prod them in the neck to turn them in a certain direction, or to prevent them from straying from his intended way. An ox that resisted the farmer’s direction was considered “stiff-necked.”

Ouch. I am like that, some days.

“Stubborn.” It means “unreasonably or perversely unyielding, mulish.” Obstinate. Intractable. Adamant. Bull-headed. Dogged. Hard-nosed. Headstrong. Willful. Not adjectives I'd want applied to me, even when feeling the pride of being contrary. The Bible calls Moses’s pharaoh, “stubborn.” "Stubborn” describes the children of Israel in just about every era and generation. And Paul uses “stubborn” to describe those who critically judge the ungodly, but who display the very same attitudes as those whom they judge, ignoring their Creator's tolerance and kindness and being unrepentant (Rom. 1:18-2:5).

Ouch again. I am like that, some days.

“Stone-hearted.” That’s how Ezekiel refers to people who have absorbed beliefs, values and practices of the culture around them, who have become hardened toward God. (See Ezekiel 11:19 and 36:26) Your heart chills as you lose your relationship with God. You don’t care much for Him anymore. You've gone cold and adamant. It's your way or the highway, so to speak, because He's not relevant or believable anymore. You’re stony-hearted.

Ouch once more. I am like that, some days. 

"Let us not be stiff-necked or stubborn or stone-hearted."  It’s a deadly trio. And while the young man asked God to keep us from these, it’s also our decision. We must be willing to take that crazy leap, to surrender our own wishes and logic, to choose obedience to this invisible, incomprehensible God. We must be willing to have our interests in un-godly things overwritten. We must pull our gaze back from what’s passing by "outside the windows," to bring our thoughts back to that quiet place where we can hear the invitation to repentance, to re-creation and relationship with Him.

And I will give them one heart, and put a new spirit within them. And I will take the heart of stone out of their flesh, and give them a heart of flesh, that they may walk in My statutes and keep My ordinances and do them. Then they will be My people, and I shall be their God.  Ezekiel 11:19-20